Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade, a closely held Oregon corporation, has been acquired by Noiseland Arcades, Inc. Terms of the transaction were not released, but sources say the stock and arcade machine swap was valued at “a lot”.
Noiseland spokesman Xavier Quarters says that the Springfield-based Noiseland “is pleased to move into the Portland market, and excited to take corporate kontrol of Portland’s homegrown barcade.” When asked about anticipated changes, Quarters replied, “we’re changing more than just the name. For starters, because of our lucrative partnership with the Duff Beer Corporation, we’ll be clearing out GK‘s selection of Oregon microbrews and opening the bar to sell Duff products exclusively.” Quarters then shouted, “are you ready to get Duffed?!”
The newly rebranded arcade will be retaining Ground Kontrol‘s all ages hours, though the only beverage available at those times will be Duff-owned Buzz Cola. One anonymous youth expressed his satisfaction that Noiseland will continue to allow minors from noon to 5pm. “I have to hang out there most afternoons until my dad gets home from the cracker factory. He’s a pretty big wheel over there.”
While CEOs on both sides of the buyout have called the acquisition “excellent,” one nearby comic book store owner and apparent Ground Kontrol loyalist was quick to describe it as the “Worst. Corporate buyout. Ever!” Similar sentiments have echoed around the Old Town blocks where the arcade resides. Melvin Viso, a daily patron of Ground Kontrol called it “A REAL LEMON OF A DEAL!” Regardless of customer and staff concerns, the takeover is effective immediately.
Ground Kontrol‘s current bar staff is being completely rehauled as well. Noiseland‘s new bartender would not agree to a phone interview, citing an endless stream of prank phone calls to his previous establishment. Asked about losing his job at Ground Kontrol, a former arcade worker there was only ambivalent. “Whatever,” he replied, “I heard they’re opening a Wall E. Weasel’s out in Beaverton. I could probably get another gig there.”