Hello, I am Xavier Quarters, the manager of Portland’s new Noiseland Video Arcade. I previously managed Noiseland‘s flagship Springfield arcade.
Let me tell you, based on what I’ve seen of Portland so far, we will be making some major changes!
First off, we will be rid of you hipsters and your hipster music and your funny glasses and your Pabst Blue Ribbon and your hoppy beers. We will only play the finest in skating rink music and serve Duff, the swilliest of beers.
Next, we will be getting rid of some of these so-called classic video games for some real quarter-eaters, such as Satan’s Funhouse, Time Waster, and my personal favorite, Dance Fatty Dance.
And these pinball machines…back in my day, they didn’t even have flippers! Crane games and skeeball would obviously be a better use of the space.
Remember, no touching the machines until after you put a quarter in! Please use the sanitary quarter tongs available at the counter for only $1. Enjoy your stay at Noiseland, and don’t leave with quarters in your pockets!